MARY ALICE: Previously on Desperate Housewives.
Bree discovered she had a romantic rival.
I've been looking for a new hobby, and taking you down is as good as any.
MARY ALICE: Susan got a bonus.
For the girl who gets the most hits in a month.
Since the prison didn't allow conjugal visits,
this is our wedding night.
MARY ALICE: Paul's bride said no.
There are certain wifely duties that I don't want to rush into.
Once we call these people, it'll change your family forever.
MARY ALICE: And Gabby decided to meet her real daughter.
Call them.
MARY ALICE: Carlos Solis loved his wife more than anything.
If there's a woman on this planet with better skin, I'd like to meet her.
MARY ALICE: Even though she was vain.
Do we have to give money to the church every Sunday?
I mean, it's always the same show.
MARY ALICE: Selfish.
I told you to buy me couture!
I can't wear off-the-rack with these shoes! Ugh!
MARY ALICE: And spoiled.
But in those moments when his wife was simply vulnerable...
You okay?
... Carlos loved her just a little bit more.
Is this where we're meeting them?
I think so.
(SIGHS)
I don't know what I'm supposed to say.
Start with "hello."
And then what?
"Thanks for raising our daughter for the last eight years.
"Hope we didn't ruin yours."
(SIGHS) It's going to be fine.
Mr. And Mrs. Solis? I'm Hector Sanchez.
Nice to meet you, and, please, call us Carlos and Gabrielle.
Oh, thank you. Where is...
Juanita is at the swing set with her sister.
We thought we should talk a little first.
Oh, sure. My wife is over here with our...
She's with Grace.
That's her name? Grace?
Yes.
So, how are you and your wife handling all of this?
We're still in shock.
Since your lawyer called us, we haven't been able to sleep or eat.
This whole thing is so crazy.
We feel the same way.
They couldn't have switched our babies.
It's got to be a mistake.
Maybe we should take a blood test.
Mom, I told you to bring the green jacket!
I can't wear red with these shoes! Ugh!
MARY ALICE: Yes, Carlos Solis loved his wife.
I don't think we'll be needing that test.
MARY ALICE: And he knew her DNA when he saw it.
It's called a purse,
and, as every woman knows, it can hold just about anything.
From a personalized cell phone,
to a romance novel,
to much-needed medication.
Whatever you find inside, there's one thing you can be sure of,
every purse says something about the woman who owns it,
whether she knows it
or not.
Carlos and I feel like we shouldn't tell the girls,
you know, about what happened.
What do you guys think?
We should protect them.
Yes. But since we want to get to know our biological daughters,
we were thinking maybe the families could get together
every now and then.
Maybe once a month?
That sounds reasonable. What do you think, Carmen?
Um, I guess.
Look at them.
Yes, I have a feeling that they will become very good friends.
Can you believe those are our daughters?
Grace looks just like me when I was her age.
And Juanita looks so much like my mother.
Mommy, can I have money for ice cream?
You just had lunch.
But they have chocolate chip.
Grace...
Let her have some. It's hot. Come on. It'll be my treat.
Your purse is beautiful.
I know. Would you like to hold it?
Uh-huh!
It's so soft. I bet it cost a lot, right?
Grace. You don't ask about money.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay, sweetie.
And just so you know, it's Chanel.
You can have one of these by working very hard.
Or by marrying a man who works very hard.
Thank you!
What a polite little girl.
You've obviously done a wonderful job, Mrs. Sanchez.
I mean, we didn't know what to expect,
but I can see that Grace couldn't have had a better mother.
You know what I mean.
You've done a wonderful job with Juanita.
Thank you.
You know, when I got pregnant,
I didn't know how I would handle the whole motherhood thing...
Mom?
...but I do think I've turned out to be pretty good at it.
- (SHOUTS) Mom! - What?
I need money for ice cream.
What is the magic word?
I don't know. Hurry?
Now, come on, the truck's pulling away.
Please. The magic word is "please."
Fine. Please.
What, we can't afford more than one scoop?
Ugh!
I'm sorry. What was I saying?
You were talking about what a good mother you are.
Say goodbye to your truck loan.
God, can you believe it?
Just two months ago we were up to our neck in debt,
now we're only up to our ass.
If we keep this going, we could reach flat broke in time for Christmas.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hello. It's Maxine.
Um, uh!
I'm in here with Mike.
It's open.
Hello, Michael.
Look at this punim.
Oh, Mike, if I was 15 years younger,
I'd ride you like a hobo rides a boxcar.
(LAUGHING)
Thanks, but you still have to fix the air conditioner.
It was won'th a shot.
(CHUCKLES) I'm gonna take a shower.
I need to talk some business with you.
Me, too.
I just bought a fur-trimmed teddy and some floor polish.
Tomorrow is gonna be a heck of a show.
Fantastic.
I think you should quit.
What?
The website is going through some changes.
I've taken on some partners
who are pumping a lot of cash into the business,
and they're running the show now, and they want a huge US presence.
No! No, you promised me that no one here would ever see me.
I did. And that's why you need to get out now.
But Mike and I are just getting back on track.
Yesterday we got our first water bill that didn't come with a threat.
Honey, I'm sorry.
(SUSAN SIGHS)
Well, how long do I have till all this happens?
A couple of weeks, a month tops.
(SIGHS)
Okay. I'll work right up until the last day.
Give me double shifts, extra shows. I'll do anything.
You got it.
I'm gonna miss you, honey.
No one will ever wear the rubber gloves and fishnets like you do.
(PAIGE CRYING)
LYNETTE: Okay! We get it.
You're unappy.
We got it in every aisle at the market,
we got it four times during the night. And we get it now.
Mom, I'll put the groceries away.
- (CRYING STOPS) - No.
Stop. Freeze.
Do nothing. No sudden movements.
(WHISPERS) The eyes are closing.
(WHISPERS) But we bought ice cream.
Let it melt.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello? Hello. Yes, this is she.
Oh!
Of course I did. Thank you. Thank you. I will be back.
Everything okay?
No. I left my license at the store.
So I have to drag Paige back there,
which will lead to another two-hour screaming fit.
If I didn't look so good in that photo, I'd get a new one.
Why don't you leave the baby with me?
Oh, Honey, I don't know.
Mom,
you leave her with the boys,
and they don't change her diaper until it weighs as much as she does.
Good point.
Mmm.
I'm back.
I'm back. Everything okay?
She woke up
so I went with plan B.
You've traded her in for a quieter baby?
Nope. I changed her diaper and now we're doing a little floor time.
Aww!
You changed her diaper.
Where'd you learn how to do that?
I've seen you do it a hundred times.
You're so good with her.
Hey,
how would you feel about me taking a quick shower
to wash some of this vomit out of my hair from yesterday?
Why don't you take a bath? Light one of those scented candles.
Whoever raised you did a brilliant job.
Shoot. I'm out of aspirin.
Do you have a headache?
No, my back is a little sore.
You do realize, darling, that your back wouldn't hurt so much
if you werert sleeping on a couch every night.
No, the couch is fine. I just pulled a muscle.
- Hey, there. - Lee.
Congratulations! You are the proud new owner of your old house!
You bought your old house?
Actually, Lee, why don't we talk later?
Oh, okay. Well, here are your keys,
your complimentary endangered species calendar,
and a kitchen magnet with my face on it.
Yes, I know I look cross-eyed,
but they assure me they will correct that in the next batch.
Enjoy.
Why would you buy that house? Our lease won't be up for a year.
I thought it was a good investment.
But why buy that one?
There are other homes for sale around here.
Escrow has closed, Beth. I see no point in discussing this further.
You won't discuss it?
I'm your wife.
Isn't it convenient how during the day you're my wife,
but at night you turn back into a house guest?
No, no, no.
Don't look at them yet. They're not done.
This isn't about the shutters. It's about our date, Friday.
You still haven't told me what we're doing.
Well, I can't tell you yet,
but I've been working on something that I'm pretty stoked about.
Well, that sounds lovely. I too am stoked.
You have a little paint.
What are you doing?
Shh.
Are you spying on Bree again?
Why would he want her when he could have me?
She's way too old for him.
You're the exact same age.
I am not. I'm only 30...
Are you gonna lie about your age? We were college roommates.
All right. Damn it.
Besides, Bree's always looked young.
When she used to go out with her grandkid,
people would think he was her son.
Wait, Bree's a grandmother?
How did I not know this?
Okay, sweetie, I am taking the baby over to Gabby's.
The girls are meeting for poker. I'll be back in a few.
You're not staying?
No, I'm really just doing a drive-by.
Last week Paige spit up on Gabby's couch,
so now she's pretty much baby non grata.
Why don't you just leave her with me? Then you can stay for your game.
But we usually play for a couple of hours. Give me a kiss.
So?
You'll be right next door if I need you.
Oh, don't toy with me. I'm operating on two hours of sleep.
I'm vulnerable.
Go. We'll be fine.
I love watching my baby sister.
- Oh! - It's fun.
Penny Lynn Scavo, you are officially my favorite.
(LAUGHS EX CITEDLY)
We are gonna leave everything to you in our will.
Keep in mind we're poor, so it's really more of a symbolic gesture.
Listen, guys.
Before we start...
I've been keeping something from you.
But I'm gonna tell you, because you're my dearest and oldest friends.
Well, I've only known you two weeks,
but I don't want to be rude and tell you to leave.
See this picture?
This is my daughter, Grace.
Oh, my God, Gabby. I can't imagine what you're going through.
I'd be out of my mind. How can you function?
Well, we were knocked sideways at first.
But since we met Grace, it's been a blessing.
Thank God, the parents are lovely.
I mean, this is the kind of thing you see on the news.
Who else knows about this?
Very few people. And I need you guys to keep it that way.
Well, of course we'll be discreet.
Definitely. For Juanita's sake.
Good.
Don't worry about me. Up until today I thought you were Juanita.
So, tell us what it was like.
Amazing. I looked into her eyes and I felt that pull.
Well, you carried her for nine months.
There was this one thing she did that was incredibly moving.
She came up to me
and within two seconds of touching my bag, she knew it was expensive.
Now, that is a Hallmark moment.
You don't understand.
When I was a kid
I used to sneak Vogues out of my aunt's hair salon
and make my own high-fashion paper dolls.
I know what it's like to be that kid,
with her face pressed against the department store window.
Grace is me at her age.
So I decided to do something for her.
Her own little starter Chanel.
You are the best mother ever.
Paul?
Paul.
What are you doing?
Please go home.
I just want to understand, that's all.
Are we going to move here?
No.
Then why would you buy this house?
It must be filled with so many unpleasant memories.
I don't see any unpleasant memories.
I see the couch
where my wife and I would sit and have our morning coffee.
I see the Christmas tree in the corner by the fireplace.
I see the chair where I would sit and read stories to my son.
I was loved in this house. I had a real marriage here.
Our marriage is real, Paul. It's just...
This is hard for me.
And you keeping things from me doesn't make it any easier.
You're right.
There should be no secrets between us.
Secrets are why this house is empty right now.
Sorry I'm late, but I think you'll be happy when you hear why.
Black Eyed Peas, row 15, center. How cool is that?
Wow. That's just...
Wow.
You like them, right?
Of course.
You sound a little underwhelmed.
No, not at all. I live to rock.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
You know, I'm not as old as you might think.
Grandma!
Surprise!
What are you doing here?
Visiting! We're here all weekend. Uh.
- Hello. - Hi.
Keith, this is my daughter Danielle and this is my...
Her son Benjamin.
Danielle, this is my friend Keith.
We were just going out.
Grandma! Grandma! Look what I bought you!
It's slippers.
My grandma has bad circulation. Don't you, Grandma?
Please stop calling me that, you precious child.
You know what? You guys came all this way,
you should spend tonight together.
No, no, no, no.
If you guys had plans, you should go. We'll be fine.
Bree, there's nothing more important than family.
We'll go out another time.
You're very sweet.
Nice meeting both of you.
Thank you, so much.
I guess I heard wrong. You seem to be bouncing back just fine.
What are you talking about?
When your friend called,
she said you were having a hard time since Orson left.
By any chance, is this friend named Renee?
She sent us first-class tickets. I wish I had a friend like that.
Oh, trust me,
you don't.
(CARS HONKING)
Oh, come on, come on!
What the hell?
Maxine, pick up. They're already putting up a billboard.
You said they werert gonna start advertising for a couple of...
Oh, my God!
(GASPS)
(CAR HONKING)
Wait! Wait! Stop!
You can't put that up there! That's me!
So?
So, people will see! My friends will see!
Lady, with a body like that,
no one's even gonna notice you have a head.
No, no, no! No, no. See you can't. No. Stop!
What the hell are you doing?
Protecting my dignity!
(SIGHS)
Hey there, Mrs. McCluskey. Nice day, isn't it?
I've seen better. What do you want?
You're direct. I love that about you.
The truth is,
I was wondering if you had any interest in selling your home.
Well, get ready to love me again. No.
Arert you tired of caring for this place?
The big lawn and all these stairs?
Yeah, your concern is touching. What's your game here?
I just love this neighborhood so much,
and I'd hate to see this house fall into the wrong hands
after you're gone.
I'm not going anywhere.
I hope you're right. But the years do have a way of flying by.
And I thought you might want to unload this place
while you still have the upper hand.
Upper hand?
Yes.
Right now you're sharp as a tack,
but one day your hip will break or you'll suffer a massive stroke,
and the doctors will say you can no longer live on your own.
And when that day comes,
potential buyers, who don't care about you like I do,
will know that you're desperate. They'll smell the blood in the water.
People will start smelling your blood if you don't get off my porch.
All right.
Didrt mean to upset you.
My offer still stands.
As I said, it all comes from my great love for this beautiful neighborhood.
Be careful on those stairs, now.
(PAIGE CRYING)
Look who's missing her big sister.
(PAIGE STOPS CRYING)
There. You are really so good with her.
Listen, I'm gonna take a quick jog. Be back in 20 minutes.
- Mom. - Yeah?
I've got a test today. I cannot be late for the bus.
I hear you loud and clear. I'll be back in 15.
You might want to smell her diaper. I think she left you a little present.
(PAIGE CRYING)
(PANTING)
Hey, Lynette, I need to talk to you.
Sure.
Oh. You're jogging again?
Where's the baby?
Penny is watching her. It is the most amazing thing.
Only when you have spawned as much as I have
do you learn the glorious truth.
The older ones can watch the younger ones.
Babies having babies, bad. Babies raising babies, genius!
I'm happy for you.
You don't look happy.
That's why we need to talk.
Okay.
She flew them here first class? That is vintage Renee.
Yes, a voracious libido and unlimited funds.
A deadly combination.
LYNETTE: Oh!
And now she's taking Keith to dinner tomorrow night.
How did you find that out?
Well, he called to make sure it was okay.
Which of course it isn't, but what could I say?
Don't say anything.
Wait until she's crossing the street, and then run her over.
No. I'm too fond of my car.
You have to fight back somehow.
It's the only thing Renee understands.
But how? I mean, you know her better than I do.
What could I do to humiliate her?
Oh! She once slept with a rodeo clown, but he's a senator now.
Uh.
Oh, she's got this really weird belly button,
but by the time he finds that out, they're already getting it on.
(LAUGHS) Oh!
And she used to freak out whenever The Wizard of Oz was on TV.
Why?
I think it was the Munchkins. There's something about little people
that gives her the heebie-jeebies.
Oh, crap! Penny's going to be late for school. Sorry I couldn't help.
Oh, no. You helped.
Penny, I'm sorry. I forgot my phone!
Grab your stuff, and I'll drive you!
Where's my baby?
Stop breathing on my sister!
Hi, I'm Lynette Scavo. I need to find my daughter Penny...
Yeah.
We've been expecting you.
The principal's office is in the back.
Thank you.
You're in so much trouble.
So, you left your 2-month-old baby
in the care of your 11 -year-old daughter.
What can I say? I'm not one of those helicopter parents.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, give me a break. I am raising five kids.
You have no idea how hard that is.
Eight?
Well, clearly you're very competitive.
I talked to Penny.
I think you should know she's helping you out more than you realize.
What do you mean?
Do you know Penny takes the baby monitor to bed with her
so she can get up for the feedings?
She does?
As a result, the poor girl is exhausted.
She fell asleep in social studies yesterday.
I had no idea.
Oh, my gosh.
Yes, I will talk to Penny when she gets home
and I will fix this.
Yes, that would be nice.
Okay, you know what?
Enough with the judgmental tone.
Come on, who among us is a perfect mother?
Gabby?
Is everything okay?
Yeah. Yeah. Everything's fine.
I was just hoping Grace would be home.
I thought we were supposed to call first if we wanted to see the kids.
I know, I know. But I was in the neighborhood.
Uh, is she here?
No.
Okay. Well, could you give this to her for me?
Thank you, but Grace already has a purse.
Really? Is it Chanel?
No. We bought it at a flea market for $2,
and she's very happy with it.
I know, but don't you think she'd like this one a little better?
Not if she never sees it.
Don't you think I would like to get my children nice things?
We are not like you.
We can't afford luxuries. We can barely afford the necessities.
Look, if you guys need help...
What we need is for you to let us be who we are,
not who you are.
Goodbye, Gabby. Please, call next time.
You said I had a month!
I said I thought it was a month.
It's the Internet, everything moves very fast.
How many billboards are there?
They talked about a big ad campaign, so I guess a lot.
Okay. You have got to call them. Get them to stop it,
or at least put some other girl up there. Something!
Honey, I tried to warn you. It's beyond my control now.
Please, help me! What if Mike sees me splayed across that billboard?
He's going to recognize those panties,
he gave them to me for our anniversary.
Oh!
I'll make a call.
I'm sorry I took the baby to school.
I had a math test and I didn't want to be late.
Hey, sweetie... Hey, hey!
You didn't do anything wrong.
I did.
Come here, sit down.
I understand you've been taking the baby monitor
into your room at night.
Just so you can sleep.
Oh!
I appreciate that.
And I appreciate how often
you've been looking after your little sister.
Well, I know how you like to go see your friends
and go jogging and stuff.
Yeah, I do.
And you're different when you get to do those things.
You laugh more, you're not as cranky,
you stay up late and play board games with us.
I like that mommy better.
I like that mommy better, too.
But it's not your job to take care of me.
Your job is to
watch television and eat way too much candy.
And my job is to make sure that's all your job is.
Okay.
Off you go.
(SIGHING)
That was really sweet.
I know. Get me a nanny.
What?
I am drowning here.
You heard what Penny said, I'm not myself anymore.
And when I'm not taking it out on the kids, I'm taking advantage of them.
So I need help.
How about if I pitch in more?
Oh!
Tom.
What a lovely, hollow offer that you'll never back up.
Get me a nanny.
You bought an 8-year-old girl a $ 1,400 purse?
Lighten up. It's not like I got her the matching wallet.
So what did Carmen say?
She went all Grapes of Wrath on me,
'cause God forbid that woman let her daughter have nice things.
That woman is her mother, and I'm with her on this.
You have no right to give Grace expensive gifts.
Yes, I do!
Why?
Because she was supposed to have all this stuff!
We were supposed to give it to her.
This is why I didn't want us to look for her.
Because we had no idea what would happen once we found her.
But you looked, and we met her,
and now we're falling in love with this girl.
And if you spook these people,
they can take her away from us forever.
Morning, Mrs. McCluskey. How are you today?
I feel great. Sorry to disappoint you.
What?
Just had my annual physical.
Doc says I'm gonna be around for years.
Oh!
So you can tell that vulture husband of yours
he'll have to pick at someone else's carcass.
What are you talking about?
Something smells good.
I'm making stew.
So, how was your day?
Fine.
Anything interesting happen?
No, not really.
You didn't talk to anyone?
Who would talk to me?
I'm gonna go wash up.
You are going to love the sea urchin.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Looks a little sketchy.
Most of the fish I eat comes in a basket with fries.
(LAUGHS) You're funny,
and you eat out of a basket.
(INHALES SHARPLY) I like that.
Everything okay?
I just thought I saw...
Never mind.
So, anyway, I thought after dinner we could go to a club.
What do you think of jazz?
I think it's the sea urchin of music.
(LAUGHING)
(GASPS)
Okay, did you see that?
See what?
It was probably nothing.
I thought I saw...
(SCREAMS)
Oh!
Okay, you're...
You're just a kid.
What is the matter with you?
I am so sorry.
I don't want you to think I'm odd.
You see, when I was a child,
there was this incident at the circus.
And ever since then I have always been terrified of...
Hey, don't I know you?
(SCREAMS)
Get him away! Get him away!
Get him away!
What's wrong?
Is he there with his tiny hands?
I can't look at his tiny hands!
I am so sorry. I don't know what the hell she's doing.
It's okay. Obviously, I made a mistake.
Oh, my God. Did he go? I can't look.
He's gone.
So come down.
Everyone is staring.
You should have seen the look on her face.
Well, I couldn't see her but I certainly heard her,
and it was magnificent.
Happy to help out.
Bye, Bree. See you in church.
$9,000.
Hey, my partners spent a lot of money printing those billboards.
And they'll agree not to put them up, but they are not gonna eat the cost.
Honey, I did the best I could.
I talked them down from 12.
It's still a huge hit.
It puts us right back where we were before I started doing this stuff.
I know.
And what's Mike gonna say when he notices the money is missing?
Oh, God. I hadrt even thought of that.
Maybe I should just let them put up the billboards.
At least then, when he kills me, I'll be famous.
You know, there is another way.
What do you mean?
Well, you could earn that money back,
and fast, too.
But you'd have to...
Never mind. Forget I said anything.
No, no, what? What? What is it?
Well, there are other services our website provides,
things I've kept hidden from you because of the boundaries you've set.
But if you're willing to go
beyond those boundaries...
Are you talking about prostitution?
God, no. Nothing like that.
Just private on-screen interactions
of a racier nature.
How racy?
How much money do you want to make?
How dare you!
Good morning, Renee.
How dare you exploit a traumatic childhood memory!
Yes, I heard you had some sort of episode with a little person.
- Oh, look, he followed you home. - (GASPS)
Very funny.
I wonder how Keith will react
when I tell him it was you who ruined our date.
About the same as when he finds out you used my grandson to ruin ours.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
Ah! Here's Keith now.
Why don't we ask him who he wants to be with?
We can't put him on the spot like that.
Bree, you're getting all red.
Is that a hot flash or are you just losing your nerve?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey, I was gonna finish up with those sconces.
Everything okay here?
Not exactly.
Can we ask you something?
If you had to choose between...
Forest green or brown for the trim, which would you prefer?
Forest green, I guess.
Great. Then why don't you run down to the hardware store
and have them mix you up a batch?
Scoot.
What's the matter, Bree? Afraid you'll lose?
You know what? I think I am.
He's all yours.
Well, that's not any fun. I thought you liked him.
I do. But I don't get his references, I can't stay up late like he does.
I'm being silly.
I feel like one of those clichés people make fun of.
The desperate, predatory divorcée.
You mean, like me?
Well, yeah.
Do you know why people make fun of us?
They're jealous.
Because we still have the guts to go after what we want.
You think he can make you happy?
I think so.
Then go for it.
My gift to you.
Why are you being so nice to me?
Based on my dinner under the rainbow last night,
I rather have you as a friend than an enemy.
(CHUCKLES) Now, go.
Keith, hang on, I think I'll join you.
Really nice of you to have us over.
Maybe next time you can come to our house.
Absolutely.
You know, I think it's great that, out of this unfortunate situation,
we could all end up being friends.
Yes. We are very lucky people.
GRACE: Bet you can't catch me. Bet you can't catch me.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
So now we pinch off a small piece of masa
and you roll it into a ball.
Is this big enough?
It's perfect.
I really love your house, Mrs. Solis.
Oh, thank you, honey.
- Would you like a tour? - Uh-huh.
Come on.
Wow, it's so big.
You have a TV in your bedroom?
Lucky.
Yes, we're very lucky.
Is that a jewelry box?
Uh-huh.
Do you wanna take a look?
Yeah.
It's all so pretty.
I can't wait until I grow up so I can have beautiful things.
You like that?
It's a gift I bought myself with my first big modeling check.
I want you to have it. You deserve beautiful things.
I don't know. My mom might get mad.
Then we'll make it our little secret.
Thank you.
I want a purse like that someday.
Well, then I'm gonna make sure you get it.
MARY ALICE: It's called a purse,
and, as every woman knows, it can hold just about anything.
From a bottle for a baby,
to a check for protection,
to a gift for a new friend.
Whatever you find inside, there's one thing you can be sure of,
every purse says something about the woman who owns it,
whether she knows it or not.